I’m sad and tired, or maybe I’m just so tired I feel sad, or my sadness shows itself with exhaustion. I don’t know. I don’t want to be depressed I just want to be happy, so how can I never have control over my mood. People me to control myself, but it’s fucking different from depression, my brain isn’t capable of being happy, my serotonin is lacking, and so is my self-esteem and will to live. It’s hard to tell anyone, they get scared. That’s not what I want, I want to be able to talk about my feelings and thoughts, actions are more powerful than words. I am not going to do anything, even though I might think about it. Even if I think I want to die, like maybe cut my wrists while I sit in my bath, or tie a rope around my neck, or throw a handful of pills down my throat, or throw my head in a pot of boiling water. Maybe I would walk down to the bottom of a lake; I’ll watch the fish glide around me until my eyes close and my body jerks back and forth, but soon, I will fall limp and I will fill with water but don’t worry, maybe I’ll come back as a fish. Maybe you with catch me with a sharp hook, and possibly, you will be the one to kill me this time. Oops did I say that out loud? Oh well.

Now it’s Friday the 13th, and It is a full moon. So, great, fucking great.

9/24/19

“Grief doesn’t have a plot, it isn’t smooth. There is no beginning and end.” — Ann Hood —

I really felt this quote because it rings so true, I haven’t had to go through many losses, but this quote represents what I’ve felt with the couple of losses I have gone through. Grief is a wound that never really stops throbbing, you may have accepted it, but it will still be there. Sometimes you might even think it’s over until you step into the hot bath you have drawn yourself because you think maybe it’s time to relax. So you try to lay down, but the hot water will burn your open wound, the wound you thought was healed. The water will soon become pink and you’ll be surrounded by the memories because that’s all you have left. Or maybe you do relax because your wound has been covered with a hard shield. So you soak, and so does that scab, it becomes flimsy. You don’t notice it as you dry yourself off, and with one wipe of your soft towel, the flimsy shield will be ripped away and your wound will be open once again. But, let’s say you make it through the bath and the towel, your wound is still protected, so you sit on your bed, cluelessly picking at your scab. You’ve always picked at your scabs, maybe you find it satisfying, but after, your wound will be revealed to the cold air around you, so again, the memories will flow out of you, and the air adds a cold twist to them. Now your wound is unprotected and defenseless, it’s prone to infection. So nurture it, and be conscious of it, but never dwell on it.

Now all is lost

I messed up, and you left

There’s no one to blame but myself

So now, all is broken, all is empty, all is numb

They sat at the table next to me

Our tables were on the highest floor,

This floor had windows looking out onto the cold town

So as they wandered to the table

The one I assume they always go to

The little boy was ecstatic, breathing heavy as words fell out of his mouth

And the man hushed him, many times, pointing in my direction

As he saw I was writing, however not that it was them I was writing about

They were clueless

They were such a lovely scene in a lovely family movie

Reading, laughing, talking like father and son

It was a priceless scene

And I thank them for sitting next to me

They were the highlight of my day

Oh the man and his little boy

Thank you.

These waters are far from loving

Waves crashing down

Aggravating the ocean floor

Stirring up distress

From the loss of stabilization

That liquid brings

Broken nails scratch, at broken skin

Rough hands grip dangerously tight

And her eyes

They speak grief, they speak her lovely fear

Selfish pleasure directs his movements

His forced pleasure is far from pleasurable

So she moved stiffly, steadily

Unpleasant hands gripping her short brown hair

And he makes love to her manikin of a body

Tears drip from her eyes

As his last few thrusts shove him inside of her

And he pulls out, watching himself drip out of her and tears do the same

Taking a fistful of her hair, he yanks he back to pat her cheek roughly

Leaving behind red roses in her cheeks

He Dresses casually, stirring up small talk, unbothered by her shivering skin and bone of a body

After lacing his shoes carefully, he leaves without a word

She drags herself to the floor

Where a ripped, stained, sheet lies on the concrete

The one he had thrown at her the night he snatched her

And her tears will dry as she sleeps, leaving crystals of salt attached to her still rosy cheeks

Now when she wakes, she will wash it all away

For him

For the only love she can remember

.

This is my suicide letter

This goes out to everyone I have ever come into contact with

Call it selfish, call it attention seeking

But it doesn’t matter anymore

Call me a bitch, a cunt, a whore

But I’m gone now

I know this is causing you pain

It caused me pain too

They taught me to advocate for myself

So I did

I ended my pain to the best of my abilities

So please don’t be sad

I am no longer living under depression

Now

Well, now

I’m dead

The remains of the dark night drip away

Golden light starts conquering the shadows

Mountains stand tall, above the land midway

You’ll only see this in Colorado

Deep reds rise up with power and defeat

Soon after, orange and yellow follow close

The cold shades disperse as warm shades bring heat

And in front of my eyes the sun arose

The skies are now blue, full of warm sunlight

Clouds painted peach, it seems it’s all for me

Oh the beauty, we’re blessed with our eyesight

Who could deny the mir’cle , nobody

               But too soon, light fades, night will come again

               The moons light as fragile as porcelain

late night light

my imagination takes flight

the golden hew is so bright

the electric humming is slight

my only company tonight

is this late night light

Put that fucking mask on

Suit up

Show off

Hide your true self

Be the coward you are

Hide and cry

Things didn’t go your way

But everything should, right?

I apologize, your highness

But people don’t like playing by the rules.