I’m sad and tired, or maybe I’m just so tired I feel sad, or my sadness shows itself with exhaustion. I don’t know. I don’t want to be depressed I just want to be happy, so how can I never have control over my mood. People me to control myself, but it’s fucking different from depression, my brain isn’t capable of being happy, my serotonin is lacking, and so is my self-esteem and will to live. It’s hard to tell anyone, they get scared. That’s not what I want, I want to be able to talk about my feelings and thoughts, actions are more powerful than words. I am not going to do anything, even though I might think about it. Even if I think I want to die, like maybe cut my wrists while I sit in my bath, or tie a rope around my neck, or throw a handful of pills down my throat, or throw my head in a pot of boiling water. Maybe I would walk down to the bottom of a lake; I’ll watch the fish glide around me until my eyes close and my body jerks back and forth, but soon, I will fall limp and I will fill with water but don’t worry, maybe I’ll come back as a fish. Maybe you with catch me with a sharp hook, and possibly, you will be the one to kill me this time. Oops did I say that out loud? Oh well.
Now it’s Friday the 13th, and It is a full moon. So, great, fucking great.