It seems as though I’m always in a state of war with myself. It’s a difficult thing for me to explain, my mind, soul, heart, body, all battling each other. Many times it looks like there will be no hope, no end to this dark tunnel, every part of me, battling it out with every other part of me. It is strange to think about, I always say I am myself, I should be able to control what goes on in me, yet somehow I can never gain that control. I am the little girl trying to break apart a fight between my older brother and father, not caring if I will get hit or thrown down, just wanting to do everything I can to stop it. Everyday i face a war I have come to know as Depression, to me it is the worst one of all, a feeling of, being stuck, lost, sad, grey, numb, and of course depression branches off into other things, it can lead to self harm, drug or drinking addictions, suicidal thoughts. I have dealt with this war of trying to be happy when I am on the verge of tears, faking smiles at all my friends, teachers, parents, just so I don’t have to explain to them something I don’t fully understand myself, it is really very difficult when you want help, someway out, but you’re too scared of people thinking you are just being pathetic, for them to tell you to suck it up. It seems that many people don’t understand, that I am trying my hardest to keep myself together, in one piece, with every heartbeat I try to align my brain and heart, with every breath I try to tell myself i am not this war, this war will soon be over, and everything will be better. But I know that is not true, life will always have hardships, new wars, one will end, and another will begin, not giving you time to catch your breath. Now I realize the things I have been saying are not very happy, not very hopeful. So let me shine a light on the situation, for your sake and mine. There are moments, the ones that I live for, when I am on the top of a mountain, with the wind blowing through my hair. When I walk on a trail and the tree’s seem to shelter me from everything, the sun shining through all the leaves and branches. Or when I am at a concert, jumping up and down with my friends, the music overwhelming my senses. Or watching the heavy snow fall outside while the fireplace in on inside, and you are under the biggest, softest blanket with hot chocolate or tea, reading your favorite book. Though life is full of hardships and loss, we find these moments, the ones that set our soul at peace, where everything seems okay and better and happy. It gets difficult to remember these moments when the cold darkness comes over us, that is why we have each other, we can choose to be a light to others, to make these moments for others. So be kind, and be slow to anger and quick to forgive, as the bible says it. Be a light for someone, for everyone deserve a light in the middle of their dark tunnel. I say in the middle and not the end because, no one can “fix” anyone, but we can be there and walk with them and help and encourage and be there when they fall. To stand by them as they “fix” themselves. Now, it might be weird or strange posting this on Easter, but just because it is a holiday doesn’t mean we need to put on a fake smile if we feel down. Yes today is an important day, but still, be yourself, don’t hide, take a step in your favorite direction. Be curious, and face everything with an open mind, things aren’t always how they seem. Happy Easter, or if you are reading this on a different day, Happy (insert day of week here). Lova ya!